Time Flies...

In the midst of opposition and oppression, there is always room for growth. In the last fifteen years, I can confidently say that I have countless opportunities to grow -- and so have others...

When I was younger I used to only dream of being a "bride" and a mommy! Neither of those did I understand the definition or role that would be played -- through all of the last fifteen+ years, I can truly say I am overjoyed that some have gone and some have stayed to help train, correct, rebuke and teach me to be a godly-wife and a good mother!

I will continue the encouragement, but let's just jump to the reason why this particular post exists... Exactly fifteen years today was the last time I would see my father. It was my senior year graduation, a day I didn't think would actually occur. He was off at a distance watching me hug and grin with all my friends. It was almost like he didn't want to come too close because he knew he was deciding on how far he should run.

And before you think he may have passed away, unfortunately that's not the case. I don't say "unfortunately" because I will inherit a will or some spectacular mansion in a meadow. I say it because this story has a GOOD ending, but the middle unfortunately fill with scars, wounds and tears! It is unfortunate because this exact day (fifteen years ago) is the day he left me and my sisters.

To be an instrument in the hands of God, praising His good works for all to hear, one must endure some hard times and sufferings for the pitch to sound perfectly holy -- just picture a flute, horn, or even a harmonica.. meaning in order to sing, speak and shout the goodness of God one must endure some broken (hol-e) times to sound perfect and on pitch!

My dad is not a bad guy who planned to scar or wound his children.. In fact, I am sure that wasn't even his desire when he saw those two pinks lines back in 1992... Too much to fill you in on from '92 to today, but let's just say, I know he didn't leave because he joined a Billy Graham movement or was relocated because he was apart of the government. Any of that I would have been happy to know about. This is because man has free will to do what he wants, when he wants, however many times he wants and no other man can truly stop him.. Sad, but true.

Many days I began to wonder what could have stopped him.. Many days I understand why he left... And all the other days, I don't even think about hime. Again, sad, but true. Be real, if someone was willingly out of your life for fifteen years would you constantly think, pray or wonder about him/her?

Since May 21, 2011, so much of me has changed, grown and matured. Since my dad left I have met life-long friends, found a church home, learned to pray in a heavenly language, faced fears, ran 4 marathons in four months, became a wife and a mom, reunited with loved ones, had people I love dearly pass, had lots of hurts, lots of JOYS and much much much more.

Life hasn't been easy since my dad left -- but I will say, It hasn't been hard because he left either. Point is, he left. And that is what is hard. It's hard to navigate through a fog in a England hoping to get to a destination you didn't even know you were supposed to drive-- before you have received a license... Point is --> It wasn't supposed to be this way..

It wasn't supposed to hurt. You and I were not supposed to carry tears that only come out when someone says those words to you that scarred you years ago. You and I weren't supposed to cry when others made plans and didn't invite you. You and I weren't supposed to run and hide because you were supposed to ALWAYS KNOW you are loved..

But what happens when you don't know.. What happens when you can't hear truth or feel loved? What are you supposed to do when the weight is too heavy?

Short answer: pray.

Long answer: Cry! CRY IT OUT! SCREAM! Punch the pillows. RUN a marathon! Pour your misery into knowledge until a poem or book comes out. SING! Jump!! Sit in silence. Pour out that anguish. Tell the Maker the one Who made you before your father knew you would exist -- TELL Him that it hurts. Tell Him you are ANGRY and pissed that this is the way it is now. Tell Him that you can't see how or why anyone could ever love you because if they truly did care enough, they would care to fight for you -- TELL HIM EVERYTHING!

trust me... He can take it.

You know the only thing God cannot do? Stop sin from existing.

He can redirect it. He can change the hearts of man, but He cannot change that sin is in the world until He sends His Son for His Bride...

I was TERRIFIED to get married. I knew my desire was to be married and be a mom (I had no clue what all it would entail) but somewhere in the time of me waiting and desiring, God changed a man's heart. I was terrified for only one reason, that I might be hurt again (left, abandoned, blamed, isolated, to defend myself on my own, to grow up before I was ready..). My dad's leaving us did not only affect me, it affected everyone I came to genuinely know -- and that too terrified me!

What if I leave like he did.. and sadly I have. I regret it.. but the more I isolated the more I understood how he could -- he was hurting, too. I was just too young to realize it. Life causes everyone on this planet pain..

Back to my "how do I fix it" solution! Pray! Of course, but also dive into learning about that person's life. Unfortunately for me I have roadblocks and I am unable to know much more about my dad.. my family won't let me ask more questions and my dad didn't have many friends. So I relied on experiences. I took those moments (all good and bad) and I held them like a diamond-- I tried to examine the from different perspectives, opinions and desires from everyone involved. It was hard (and still is) because all I wanted to do was focus on my pain. But time after time, tear after tear, I began to rip down walls that needed to come down and build up walls that needed to go up.

Since May 21, 2011, so much of me has changed, grown and matured. And there are other parts of me that are still trying to grieve without answers and hope -- but with a heart that won't stop knowing that even good people do bad things and bad people do good things. Steady people leave. Washy people stay. Old and young die. Rich and poor suffer.

That's called life...

Fighting for Your Life

To the mom dealing with depression…

Let me first start by saying, you are doing it! (All of it!)

From someone who deals with people-pleasing, body image, and just public image, it sometimes feels like you are fighting off Hell every day.

The words people say don’t encourage you. The advice people give you, does it overwhelm you? And the help you want and the word you want just seem unrealistic. You have either relied heavily on yourself too long or someone else for too long, and now you’re ‘trapped’ in an endless cycle of what feels like misery in your own skin, and you can quite literally feel the “shift” about to happen, the one that leaves you feeling like you’ve just been possessed.

You are not alone.

I was the type that reached out to my friends and family and let them in on the know, but after every conversation, I felt exposed and isolated once again because I had shared too much or exposed too much.

I felt alone.

I can’t be with you all day, every day, as you travel through the journey of grief— yes, it’s grief you’re REALLY dealing with (mixed with hormones)!

You grieve your old life while grieving the loss of sleep, feeds, etc. — it’s not easy and it’s not enjoyable.

And the truth of the matter is... grief is like a scar. It's not there to scare you into never attempting or pursuing or dreaming or doing ever again. It is thereto REMIND you that pain is real, being hurt really hurts, and that it did not kill you (even though you felt like it did at that time).

I can remember a time not too long ago when the grief I had collided with the reality I did not desire. You see, my husband and I had been trying to have a second baby, and I just knew every month, this is going to be the month, this is it! And every single month, I was left with despair and a harsh reality. And one particular Sunday, I was at an all-time low, and I refused to go to the House of the Lord. Why, you ask? Because my heart wasn't right. And I know that if I went to be around people, I would forget my issues and pretend all was well. So my husband went on and I stayed back and just cried... yeah.. I had a pity party..

Then he sent me a text that he saved me a seat, and I went on. I was not happy about it, and I didn't want to go. And I even told God that on the car ride there, while I cried some more. And don't you just love how the Lord works things out in the pruning and learning seasons? I walked into the House of the Lord as they were already worshiping, and they were singing "Power in the Blood." I am not sure if you know the importance and power of the blood that song represents, but my mind was not focused on it. So I just went through the motions and felt the emotions. Then the next song we began to sing caused me to realize the ultimate 'thought' and 'feeling' I had toward God... He hasn't blessed me by opening my womb. So either we are not ready, we have some illness in us that is causing this to occur, or He hears my prayers and does not want to bless us (me).

We began to sing "Thank You Jesus for the Blood" (https://youtu.be/dhU-Omwg2rU?si=je7HNTQyo8HgQ0aP ) and so I wept. Because for me, thanking Him for the blood that had just appeared a day before was not in the way I wanted... Selfish, I know. Also, very human. And in that moment, time of worship and service, all I could think was how can I praise Jesus for the bloodshed He bled out for my victory, yet still be so sad when the bloodshed I see means an unwanted answer to prayer?

Just the day before church, I thought I was pregnant. I was beyond ecstatic. I bought two texts, thought of every way I would tell everyone we knew, prayed over my belly, and prayed over our home. I even turned on praise and worship music while the countdown took place. And when the screen showed "not pregnant," I turned off the music and just cried. In my heart, I told the Lord, "You will have to accept this as my praise."

And I know what you're probably thinking, "You're selfish." "It's not the right timing." "The Lord is sovereign." "It's just not your time yet." "Wait while you work." "Lots of women go through this; you're not the only one."

Can I tell you something, if that is what you're thinking, any of these thoughts, or said any of those to others... can it, kid.

I felt alone. I felt unheard. I felt unnoticed. I felt grief. I felt shame. I felt pain.

And before you ask... the Lord has given me a promise in all of this. And I am holding onto it every month. It still just hurts when the answer is not yet.

So, these are some of my healthy habitual decisions and declarations I have had to say and repeat to myself to start hoping again (even if I don't believe them in that moment). And you can customize these however you need. I love you, friend.

• I am no less of a woman because I had to have a C-section. In fact, by the power of the Lord and the strength He gives to me, I WILL deliver another blessing.

• I am chosen by the Lord to endure this painful process that will bring forth a promise!

• I am not a weak woman. I am strong in the Lord, even when I have weak moments.

• I am not the only one who has or is going through this journey. Therefore, I have many women I can call on and lean into during this time -- I am not alone. No matter what the enemy has to say.

• I do not have to prove myself in my pregnancy or any part of my life to my family or friends.

• This will come in waves, but the sorrow will never take me under. I will have JOY again.

Who am I to God?!

• I am a child of God.

Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.

(See John 1:12)

• I am a branch, attached to the True Vine, and a conduit of Christ’s life.

I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. (See John 15:1, 5)

• I am a friend of Jesus.

I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you FREINDS, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. (See John 15:15).

• I have been justified and redeemed by Christ Jesus.

And all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.(See Romans 3:24).

• My old self (old way of living) was crucified with Christ, and I am no longer a slave to sin.

For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin—( See Romans 6:6).

• I am not be condemned by God, never have been and never will be.

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (See Romans 8:1).

• I have been freed from the law of sin and death.

Because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. (See Romans 8:2).

• I have chosen to be a child of God, therefore I am an heir with Christ.

Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. (See Romans 8:17).

• I am accepted by Christ. And I am accepting of others.

Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.

(See Romans 15:7).

• I am a saint.

To the church of God in Corinth, to those sanctified in Christ Jesus and called to be his holy people, together with all those everywhere who call on the name of our Lord Jesus Christ—their Lord and ours

(See 1 Corinthians 1:2).

(See also Ephesians 1:1, Philippians 1:1, and Colossians 1:2.)