Fighting for Your Life

To the mom dealing with depression…

Let me first start by saying, you are doing it! (All of it!)

From someone who deals with people-pleasing, body image, and just public image, it sometimes feels like you are fighting off Hell every day.

The words people say don’t encourage you. The advice people give you, does it overwhelm you? And the help you want and the word you want just seem unrealistic. You have either relied heavily on yourself too long or someone else for too long, and now you’re ‘trapped’ in an endless cycle of what feels like misery in your own skin, and you can quite literally feel the “shift” about to happen, the one that leaves you feeling like you’ve just been possessed.

You are not alone.

I was the type that reached out to my friends and family and let them in on the know, but after every conversation, I felt exposed and isolated once again because I had shared too much or exposed too much.

I felt alone.

I can’t be with you all day, every day, as you travel through the journey of grief— yes, it’s grief you’re REALLY dealing with (mixed with hormones)!

You grieve your old life while grieving the loss of sleep, feeds, etc. — it’s not easy and it’s not enjoyable.

And the truth of the matter is... grief is like a scar. It's not there to scare you into never attempting or pursuing or dreaming or doing ever again. It is thereto REMIND you that pain is real, being hurt really hurts, and that it did not kill you (even though you felt like it did at that time).

I can remember a time not too long ago when the grief I had collided with the reality I did not desire. You see, my husband and I had been trying to have a second baby, and I just knew every month, this is going to be the month, this is it! And every single month, I was left with despair and a harsh reality. And one particular Sunday, I was at an all-time low, and I refused to go to the House of the Lord. Why, you ask? Because my heart wasn't right. And I know that if I went to be around people, I would forget my issues and pretend all was well. So my husband went on and I stayed back and just cried... yeah.. I had a pity party..

Then he sent me a text that he saved me a seat, and I went on. I was not happy about it, and I didn't want to go. And I even told God that on the car ride there, while I cried some more. And don't you just love how the Lord works things out in the pruning and learning seasons? I walked into the House of the Lord as they were already worshiping, and they were singing "Power in the Blood." I am not sure if you know the importance and power of the blood that song represents, but my mind was not focused on it. So I just went through the motions and felt the emotions. Then the next song we began to sing caused me to realize the ultimate 'thought' and 'feeling' I had toward God... He hasn't blessed me by opening my womb. So either we are not ready, we have some illness in us that is causing this to occur, or He hears my prayers and does not want to bless us (me).

We began to sing "Thank You Jesus for the Blood" (https://youtu.be/dhU-Omwg2rU?si=je7HNTQyo8HgQ0aP ) and so I wept. Because for me, thanking Him for the blood that had just appeared a day before was not in the way I wanted... Selfish, I know. Also, very human. And in that moment, time of worship and service, all I could think was how can I praise Jesus for the bloodshed He bled out for my victory, yet still be so sad when the bloodshed I see means an unwanted answer to prayer?

Just the day before church, I thought I was pregnant. I was beyond ecstatic. I bought two texts, thought of every way I would tell everyone we knew, prayed over my belly, and prayed over our home. I even turned on praise and worship music while the countdown took place. And when the screen showed "not pregnant," I turned off the music and just cried. In my heart, I told the Lord, "You will have to accept this as my praise."

And I know what you're probably thinking, "You're selfish." "It's not the right timing." "The Lord is sovereign." "It's just not your time yet." "Wait while you work." "Lots of women go through this; you're not the only one."

Can I tell you something, if that is what you're thinking, any of these thoughts, or said any of those to others... can it, kid.

I felt alone. I felt unheard. I felt unnoticed. I felt grief. I felt shame. I felt pain.

And before you ask... the Lord has given me a promise in all of this. And I am holding onto it every month. It still just hurts when the answer is not yet.

So, these are some of my healthy habitual decisions and declarations I have had to say and repeat to myself to start hoping again (even if I don't believe them in that moment). And you can customize these however you need. I love you, friend.

• I am no less of a woman because I had to have a C-section. In fact, by the power of the Lord and the strength He gives to me, I WILL deliver another blessing.

• I am chosen by the Lord to endure this painful process that will bring forth a promise!

• I am not a weak woman. I am strong in the Lord, even when I have weak moments.

• I am not the only one who has or is going through this journey. Therefore, I have many women I can call on and lean into during this time -- I am not alone. No matter what the enemy has to say.

• I do not have to prove myself in my pregnancy or any part of my life to my family or friends.

• This will come in waves, but the sorrow will never take me under. I will have JOY again.