Time Flies...

In the midst of opposition and oppression, there is always room for growth. In the last fifteen years, I can confidently say that I have countless opportunities to grow -- and so have others...

When I was younger I used to only dream of being a "bride" and a mommy! Neither of those did I understand the definition or role that would be played -- through all of the last fifteen+ years, I can truly say I am overjoyed that some have gone and some have stayed to help train, correct, rebuke and teach me to be a godly-wife and a good mother!

I will continue the encouragement, but let's just jump to the reason why this particular post exists... Exactly fifteen years today was the last time I would see my father. It was my senior year graduation, a day I didn't think would actually occur. He was off at a distance watching me hug and grin with all my friends. It was almost like he didn't want to come too close because he knew he was deciding on how far he should run.

And before you think he may have passed away, unfortunately that's not the case. I don't say "unfortunately" because I will inherit a will or some spectacular mansion in a meadow. I say it because this story has a GOOD ending, but the middle unfortunately fill with scars, wounds and tears! It is unfortunate because this exact day (fifteen years ago) is the day he left me and my sisters.

To be an instrument in the hands of God, praising His good works for all to hear, one must endure some hard times and sufferings for the pitch to sound perfectly holy -- just picture a flute, horn, or even a harmonica.. meaning in order to sing, speak and shout the goodness of God one must endure some broken (hol-e) times to sound perfect and on pitch!

My dad is not a bad guy who planned to scar or wound his children.. In fact, I am sure that wasn't even his desire when he saw those two pinks lines back in 1992... Too much to fill you in on from '92 to today, but let's just say, I know he didn't leave because he joined a Billy Graham movement or was relocated because he was apart of the government. Any of that I would have been happy to know about. This is because man has free will to do what he wants, when he wants, however many times he wants and no other man can truly stop him.. Sad, but true.

Many days I began to wonder what could have stopped him.. Many days I understand why he left... And all the other days, I don't even think about hime. Again, sad, but true. Be real, if someone was willingly out of your life for fifteen years would you constantly think, pray or wonder about him/her?

Since May 21, 2011, so much of me has changed, grown and matured. Since my dad left I have met life-long friends, found a church home, learned to pray in a heavenly language, faced fears, ran 4 marathons in four months, became a wife and a mom, reunited with loved ones, had people I love dearly pass, had lots of hurts, lots of JOYS and much much much more.

Life hasn't been easy since my dad left -- but I will say, It hasn't been hard because he left either. Point is, he left. And that is what is hard. It's hard to navigate through a fog in a England hoping to get to a destination you didn't even know you were supposed to drive-- before you have received a license... Point is --> It wasn't supposed to be this way..

It wasn't supposed to hurt. You and I were not supposed to carry tears that only come out when someone says those words to you that scarred you years ago. You and I weren't supposed to cry when others made plans and didn't invite you. You and I weren't supposed to run and hide because you were supposed to ALWAYS KNOW you are loved..

But what happens when you don't know.. What happens when you can't hear truth or feel loved? What are you supposed to do when the weight is too heavy?

Short answer: pray.

Long answer: Cry! CRY IT OUT! SCREAM! Punch the pillows. RUN a marathon! Pour your misery into knowledge until a poem or book comes out. SING! Jump!! Sit in silence. Pour out that anguish. Tell the Maker the one Who made you before your father knew you would exist -- TELL Him that it hurts. Tell Him you are ANGRY and pissed that this is the way it is now. Tell Him that you can't see how or why anyone could ever love you because if they truly did care enough, they would care to fight for you -- TELL HIM EVERYTHING!

trust me... He can take it.

You know the only thing God cannot do? Stop sin from existing.

He can redirect it. He can change the hearts of man, but He cannot change that sin is in the world until He sends His Son for His Bride...

I was TERRIFIED to get married. I knew my desire was to be married and be a mom (I had no clue what all it would entail) but somewhere in the time of me waiting and desiring, God changed a man's heart. I was terrified for only one reason, that I might be hurt again (left, abandoned, blamed, isolated, to defend myself on my own, to grow up before I was ready..). My dad's leaving us did not only affect me, it affected everyone I came to genuinely know -- and that too terrified me!

What if I leave like he did.. and sadly I have. I regret it.. but the more I isolated the more I understood how he could -- he was hurting, too. I was just too young to realize it. Life causes everyone on this planet pain..

Back to my "how do I fix it" solution! Pray! Of course, but also dive into learning about that person's life. Unfortunately for me I have roadblocks and I am unable to know much more about my dad.. my family won't let me ask more questions and my dad didn't have many friends. So I relied on experiences. I took those moments (all good and bad) and I held them like a diamond-- I tried to examine the from different perspectives, opinions and desires from everyone involved. It was hard (and still is) because all I wanted to do was focus on my pain. But time after time, tear after tear, I began to rip down walls that needed to come down and build up walls that needed to go up.

Since May 21, 2011, so much of me has changed, grown and matured. And there are other parts of me that are still trying to grieve without answers and hope -- but with a heart that won't stop knowing that even good people do bad things and bad people do good things. Steady people leave. Washy people stay. Old and young die. Rich and poor suffer.

That's called life...